You're in the middle of a sentence in a spreadsheet when you hear a chair roll up behind you. "Hey, quick question." You haven't turned around yet, and you already know how this ends: forty minutes later, their problem is solved and yours is still waiting.
If you're searching for what to say when a coworker keeps asking for favors, here is the part nobody mentions first. Most of these requests are polite and most of these coworkers aren't scheming. They asked once, you said yes, and it worked. Nothing about the situation has told them to stop. That's good news, because it means a few well-chosen sentences can change it, with no argument required.
What can I say right when they ask?
The trouble with answering on the spot is that "sure" comes out of your mouth before the rest of you has weighed in. So give the question somewhere to land that isn't yes or no:
- "Let me look at my week and tell you by three o'clock."
- "When do you need it by?"
- "Is this something you'd like me to do, or something you'd like me to show you?"
The middle one is my favorite. Urgency is often smaller than it sounded. "Quick question" sometimes turns out to mean "sometime next Friday," and a no was never needed.
When you do answer, keep the no short and put the actual reason first: "I can't take that on today. I'm finishing the quarterly numbers." Skip the long apology. A long apology sounds like an opening bid.
What if I've said yes every time so far?
Then say so, out loud, and own your half. This works better than any firm-sounding line, because it doesn't accuse anyone: "I've said yes to a lot of these lately, so I think it's started to look like it's my job. I need to pull back on that."
You're not rewriting the past or blaming them. You're announcing a change in how you work, the way you'd mention a new office schedule. Most people take that fine. It's usually only awkward for about as long as the sentence takes to say.
How do I tell a real problem from a few friendly asks?
Before you build a policy, find out what you're dealing with. For two weeks, jot down each request on a sticky note on your monitor: who asked, and roughly how many minutes it took. Don't change anything yet.
Two things tend to happen. One, you may find that a single person accounts for most of it, which tells you the conversation is with them and not with the whole floor. Two, you may notice that some of the favors cost you almost nothing, and one or two you secretly enjoy. Keep those. The goal isn't a life without favors. It's choosing which ones you give.
What can I offer instead of a flat no?
Sometimes you want to help, just not in the form they asked for. Four answers are available, and it helps to know all of them before you open your mouth: no, a smaller piece, a later date, or a way for them to do it themselves.
The last one gets overlooked. "I can't redo the report, but here's the template I use, and I'll glance at your draft Thursday for ten minutes." Or, for the person who asks the same software question every week, "Let me record my screen once so you have it." You've turned a recurring favor into a document, and you never have to say no to them again.
If you want a standing yes with edges, name it. "I keep Thursday from two to three open for questions." People will line up their questions for that hour, and the other thirty-nine hours are yours.
What do I say when they push back?
Sooner or later you'll hear "It'll only take a minute." You don't have to argue with the minute. Try: "If it's quick, I'll show you how in two minutes and you can do it next time." If they say "You're so much better at this than I am," you can take the compliment and still decline: "Thanks, that's kind. I still can't this week."
And if it keeps happening after you've said all of this, that's no longer a conversation between you and a coworker. It's a workload question, and it belongs in front of the person who sets your priorities. Keep it factual: "I've logged about six hours on requests from outside my projects this month. I want to check which of those you'd like me to keep doing." You aren't reporting on anyone. You're asking what your job is. If the one-to-one with your boss is its own source of dread, What to Say When Your Boss Gives Vague Feedback has lines for that room.
Why do I feel so guilty when I say no?
Because the guilt isn't about this coworker. It's about a rule you carry: that being helpful is the thing that makes you worth keeping around. A no feels like pulling a thread on that rule.
Here's what I think. Guilt tells you that you're about to disappoint someone, which is true and survivable. It doesn't tell you that you did something wrong. You can feel it fully and still keep your answer. Expect it to be loudest in the first minute after the no and to fade by the time you've sat back down.
If you'd like to talk through where that rule came from, you can set up a private conversation with me.
The next time the chair rolls up, notice the half second before you answer. For years that half second has belonged to the other person's need. This week, let it belong to you. Say "let me check," and mean it. You'll be surprised how often a calendar can say what you couldn't.